Friday, December 31, 2010

Lesson #97

Ahh. All my 'holidays' (including my favorite - my b'day) turned out great this year. Alone or upset every step of the way (save All Hallow's). Ain't life grand? On a more optimistic note...

Lesson #97: No matter what misfortune, burden or devastation befalls you, never lose sight of trust. When the universe seems to be screaming, "Never
again trust any human!" have the insight to know it is not in fact the universe screaming, it is just one of many internal mechanisms attempting to protect you against further affliction & toil. Turmoil brings with it some of thee greatest realizations upon the most eye-opening of horizons that we would otherwise never be able to see on our own, stagnant in comfort. Never allow yourself to become blind in such times. Know through your pulsating flesh, in your shattered heart, your broken mind, that you MUST stay true... & never lose your trust. Especially when it is found in such sacred places.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Lesson #98

When chaos comes, go to the co-existent tranquility. The balance. Know it. Be it. Harmonize.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Lesson #99

So I'm starting 'lessons' posts here. I was thinking I should wait until the new year to start, but what the FUCK do I give a FUCK about the "new year?" As you all know, my new year is in Spring when the Earth renews itself. So...

Lesson #99: Always keep a stockpile of candles lying around.

EDIT: They improve mood like nothing else.

Friday, December 17, 2010

You used to always talk of there not being such a thing as true love. It was something that ate at you, tore you apart. Your fear of being alone and dying alone someday haunted you and kept you down. I always tried to comfort you and tell you that something like that was impossible because of how great of a person you were, that someday the right man would see you for who you truly are, cherish you, and never let you go. Well, I know you’re not around to see or hear it, but true love does exist. It’s not just something in stories, fairy tales and movies as you thought. For me, this entire year has been full of the ups and downs of unfathomable depth in co-existing with another person. My mind has been blown away over and over, and my view on life has forever been altered. I’ve met and shared time with true love. It has the same properties as fire – equal capacity of creation as well as destruction. And though right now it is in a destructive phase, creation will come out of it, and all in all, I can’t deny its infinite, unpredictable potential to make me feel as though I’m floating through life. It’s indescribable. The woman I have shared this experience with is incredible... but that’s an understatement. She is the best human I’ve ever met in my life. Since I met her I have truly enjoyed life to the fullest for the first time in my life. She is my equal. A rare bird. You two would’ve enjoyed picking away at me together I’m sure. I’m also sure you would’ve liked her. I wish you were here now so I could show you just how real and true it is. I wish I could tell you about all the amazing lessons I have learned. Maybe you’re out there on some alternate plane and you already know that such a thing can exist. Maybe not. I guess I just wish you could have experienced what I have. I know now that with this last year behind me, with all the unprecedented beauty and purity it brought, I could die tomorrow a grateful man. I am so grateful. Sad, but grateful. I just wish you could have felt what I have felt... maybe you would still be with us if you had. I can’t believe it’s been two years. I’m still in shock that you’re gone. Shannon, my dear friend... I miss you.

Monday, December 13, 2010

excerpt from Waking Up Insane by Deadboy & the Elephantmen

Scaring the ghosts away, wake me when I'm sane again
You are the smoke that is my breath
This bouquet of regret
Under the sky to live is to die
Radiation black the night and I
Don't seem like no sun exists that could eclipse this
Don't seem like no sun exists that could ever eclipse this

Saturday, December 11, 2010

This is a great song.

Universe by Prick

the universe keeps taking my jacket
and never explaining why
the universe, singing, painting
below the sky is fine
but below the sea?...why?
your kiss is a home
my lips do not care why
the universe is my source
amusing, i reciprocate....why?
destruction, immeasurable
and seemingly pointless....why?
confused, bewildered, ambivalent
somebody explain why
cloud whispers, cloud wars
angels are truth
angels are a threat
to others.....why?

the universe keeps taking my jacket

no need in explaining...

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Friday, December 3, 2010

Sometimes I worry
but not on nights like tonight
because when I hear the wind blowing with such fury
I know it exists to resist
where we slow now but in time
we'll steady, the flow
no hurry

Happy Birthday Pete. I hope yours is better than mine bro

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Wrote this back in July sometime. I hate July. Always have. I always get shit on in July. Anyway, just found this & it relates to the present so...

Awaking to find this consciousness a reality
is the real nightmare.
I keep imagining your eyes
of truth and sincerity and tears
of what it means to be vulnerable and human
on the day you told me
didn't have a choice because
were in it for life.
For life.

Then I imagine us now
in our separate spaces
our eyes vacant and blank
staring into nothingness
shocked, stunned, stagnant
void of all vitality.

Just vitals.
A beep every few seconds

signifying a heartbeat

where one once was.


I also thought this image really captured my mood. Fucking beautiful. Love the detail. "Despair" by Carl Ray

Monday, November 29, 2010

Found this via Nate. Made me crack a smile, which hasn't been happening all that much lately, so I decided to post it up.

Friday, October 15, 2010

I'm holding on

I thought the future held a perfect place for us
that together we would learn to be the best that we could be
In my naivety I ran, I fell and lost my way
somehow I always end up falling over me

and one day I woke to find the future had no place for me
I was unwanted in a world that with my hands I'd helped build
where once was honesty and pride I now stand broken and alone
just a shadow of what I was meant to be

Does anybody feel the way I do?
Is there anybody out there?
Are you hearing me?
If I believe in you, will you believe in me?
Or am I alone in this hall of dreams?

I'll believe in you if you believe in me
but I have no trust in anything
somehow I'm always, always falling over me

they say that time will heal, the truth shall set us free
well that depends on what it is that you choose to believe
In this prison made of lies
We see what it is we want to see
And find comfort in this broken hall of dreams

Does anybody feel the way I do?
Is there anybody out there?
Are you hearing me?
If I believe in you, will you believe in me?
Or am I alone in this hall of dreams?

I'll believe in you if you believe in me
but I have no trust in anything
somehow I'm always, always falling over me

somehow I'm always, I am always falling over me

© VNV Nation

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

This severance will have far greater repercussions on our psyches than either one of us should be dealing with right now. Far greater repercussions than when this decision was initially a commitment, all flustered, fogged & upfucked.

You can't clear the cobwebs by splitting them in half!
For fuck's sake, woman!

pain in my fucking ass

Thursday, September 30, 2010


Mind spun, spinning like a ratchet, hatchet-running, funning around, inverted frown found
in mind now find hide away things to say that should be could be would be said
but so hard when that part your heart to mend to send for is half dead

Don’t worry the fury you shy away from, cry from shame in, will not hurt being burnt from out within
We’ll crank the winch, crush and clench and wrap-trap the sad-madness stagnant sitting pitting inside
And when making its way out, not a speck fleck left from under, rise high you will, ascend end eyes wide

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Sunday, September 12, 2010


Forgive my pale paranoia
The old gears still grinding
Distrust, disgust, with uncertainty
Running amuck

No reason why
Just the past in mind
The trust well has
Almost run dry

Work it out in my head
Rip it out with bloody hands
Thought this thing was (thought this ghost was)
Beat bone dead

Hard to explain try
So hard to refrain I
Need to let go
Learning to let go, you’re helping me let go

And it takes someone
Someone like you
To make it clear, to show
There’s no question, no untrue
And it takes someone
Someone like you
To make sense of this fear
Burn it from (out) my mind, no red, influx blue

Patience with this now
(Patience) You will need
Hope it doesn’t (tear) wear too thin (quick)
With all my filth I plead

Hold tight now please don’t
Let it slip out of our
Sight we will see
When the cure kills my dark hour

Nothing grows that is
Not soiled once first
Dried out and then rained on
Only to satisfy our thirst

Our seed is buried far too
Deep, our roots deep they do lie
Trampled upon or stomped
Flower never wither, never it will die

And it takes someone
Someone like you
To shake this quake, insane
Reformed, rewired and renewed
And it takes someone
Someone like you
To kill this rotting state
Steady me, my lady, still may go askew

We are the sumov1
The sumov1 we shall always be
No matter what may come
The sumov1 makes us free

Friday, September 10, 2010

KMFDM - Trust

This song. rocks. my. ass.

Submit and reveal
What you hide and conceal
Open up and enable
Put your cards on the table

Conquer and define
Your life is on the line
Roll up and blackout
No time to hesitate and doubt

Take what you're being given
Make your stand
'Coz the life that you're living
May soon come to an end
Do what you can
What you want, what you must
Feel the hunger inside
Hold on to your trust

Confess and purge
Experience every urge
Approach and achieve
Strengthen your beliefs

Admit and defend
Your emotions 'coz they send
Out the message that it's you
And that's the only thing that's true

Do what you can
What you want, what you must
Feel the hunger inside
Hold on to your trust
Do what you can
What you want, what you must
Feel the hunger inside
Don’t lose your trust

Safe and secure
Never be too sure
Show and tell
Until you go to hell

Love and hate
You're destined by fate
Play and work
Enjoy your time on earth

Do what you can
What you want, what you must
Feel the hunger inside
Hold on to your trust
Only death is eternal
Make no mistake
What it all comes down to
Night shall overtake

Do what you can
What you want, what you must
Feel the hunger inside
Hold on to your trust
Do what you can
What you want, what you must
Feel the hunger inside
Don’t lose your trust

Do what you can
You’re a beautiful child
Do what you want
From a beautiful land
Do what you can
Lift the curse on me
Do what you want
Could you live without me?
Do what you can
Just one way
Do what you want
One last kiss
Do what you must
Gimme the bullet
Don’t lose your trust

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I have so much to say but I think it's all going to fall on deaf ears. Ears made of stone. Ears that are connected to a brain already convinced of another outcome. It seems anything I do or say now will be full of rot and stench and poisonous, caustic sludge. I have so much to express. I hope when I get the chance it's not going to be too late. Conclusions already told. Mind already sold. I've been sleeping okay again, but I'm more exhausted than I've ever been. This is so hard. I just want to move forward and prove myself. I just want it to be over. I suppose in a way it already is.

My trust in this is keeping me going. My knowledge of our past in all of this. We have always prevailed as long as we've trusted in one another. And that's not going to change now. At least not for me. No way, no how.

I just want to hear her voice.
I just want to see a sign of hope.
I just want to feel some of this heaviness come off.
I just wish she wanted this too.
And I just hope she is alright.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

I want to send you a telegram. I want to tell you that I'm sorry... That sometimes I can't help it when I'm a slimy, slithering snake, covered in weirdo scales. I guess that's who I am... who I can be sometimes. Unpredictable. Unlikeable.

You can be the same way you know.
Keeps me on my toes.
I suppose.

Some ask why we go on. Some ask what this is... what we share. I used to be able to make attempts at ambiguous descriptions. These days the answers don't come. But... I still have a few that we will understand.

This is growth. This is advancement.
This is change. This is hope.
This is strength and this is fragility.
This is the reason to continue on with this chaotic journey. This is living lovely as sweet, vicious revenge in the eyes of our enemies. This is destruction and this is creation. This is harmony, cyclic and beautiful. This is beyond comprehension. This is timeless. Endless.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Slowly changing into someone else, never thinking this metamorphosis would or could come to pass. This change is not negative or cumbersome. This change is far from any preconceived notion of what or how it would be... how it would be once enveloped in its threads, wrapped up and float-fluttering in its winds. It is in so many ways enlightening and fulfilling. A new illumination, a new energy is beginning to emerge... out from within. New and beautiful doors are opening all the time now. Feveri
sh emotion and fervent self-realization is exposing itself.


Last night a dark door opened and inside... walls covered in foolish worry and past perception that should now be non-existent. Unfortunately, it seems at the most vulnerable of times, paranoia still paints the walls of certain rooms. Luckily I can choose. So I'm closing this door. Hopefully new paint will arrive soon. A little paint can go a long way.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

This video rocks.


Dress the part
It's storytelling time

Sharpen your knives
Watering mouths
Clean your plates for some tender I

Tell me how the story ends now

Come home, come see our place
Our labyrinth to keep hiding
We push the boundaries
So the rules are bent
Just in time

Come wallow in my sorrow
Breathe your air into my lungs
What hides in my shadow?
My worst fear is real life

Tell me how the story ends now

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I used to think, like most sheep, that taking your own life was a foolish, selfish act, only fit for the weak. Within the last few years, through life-altering experiences, my opinions have shifted.

A few years ago a friend of mine hung herself. She was depressed, miserable and all hope had left her existence. My natural reactions were sadness and anger. How could she do this to us? Do this to all the people who loved her and who could’ve helped her? Then it hit me - the paradox. Would we want her to exist in such a state so we could continue enjoying her presence on the physical plane? Would we want a friend or loved one who acts content but in reality is drenched in misery to stick around just because we would miss them if they were gone? Suicide is selfish? THAT seems selfish. No one wants a friend or a loved one to die, but do we want them walking around everyday striving and struggling in their own personal agony? No we don’t. We always want the best for the ones we hold dear. We want them to be content, stress-free and comfortable, away from the despair that plagues mankind.

Another point that came to mind was that of choice. With some exceptions aside, every human is in control of their own life, lifestyle and living. Whether we smoke, drink, fight, or fuck, we all mold our own lives in accordance with our desires. So then, why do we not have equal control over our deaths? Who are we to judge or decide if a person no longer wants to live? It is their life, so it should be their choice. Many countries don’t deem suicide illegal but only a handful legally permit euthanasia. We can sign DNRs choosing not to live, but we can’t take our own lives? Fucking bullshit. If someone no longer wants to exist, so be it. It should be their choice, and if they need help carrying it out, these services should be available to them. People with young children are the exception. Your child is your responsibility and they come first – not your death wish. Like religion, morality, it seems, is trumping the advancement of the human race as a whole. Yes, extinction is a form of advancement… at least for humans.

Suicide is not an act of weakness. Selfish in ways, but far from weak. It is courageous, it is commendable, and it takes strength to leave a life that depends on you, that will be negatively affected when you are gone. Taking control of your own life and how it will continue - or not continue - is an act of true strength. And who knows, maybe you’d be better off dead.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Infinitely Intertwined

One of thee best graphic pieces I've done in quite a while. (Click for detail)

Monday, June 14, 2010

In My Hands

When neither of us could see
When shit hit the fucking fan
I asked her, look to trust
She put herself in my hands

Delicate with this now
Careful I must be
Her strength shown external
But sensitive I can see

Monday, May 3, 2010

You would've been 22 today. 22. You were too fucking young. I wish you would've waited it out. Just a bit longer. Now we'll never know. But I can't point blame or get too angered. What's done is done and it was your decision. Yours and yours alone.

Time is fucking flying. That's the one thing about losing someone on the physical plane that's difficult - we keep moving, and at times it's tough to keep you moving with us. The continuity of a spirit or will that is physically no longer with us.

I'm in the process of writing another song about you. It's a little more gruesome, a little more from the dark, inner me. I think you'd appreciate it. Happy Birthday, Shannon. You are always missed, never forgotten...

Monday, April 19, 2010

Fading Pasts

The past doesn’t seem to be so much in my foresight as it used to be. That’s not to say that I’ve forgotten it or all its vast lessons, but it’s not as fresh on my palette now as it has been in recent years. In many ways I think I’ve let go, and in many ways that has been a lesson in moving on. In the past, I always told myself I wasn’t dwelling, but looking back from this vantage point, I suppose a lot of the time I was. It’s not unhealthy to glance back from time to time, but not so much that we get caught up in it or live for it, hoping it will someday magically return. It’s not healthy to shut it out either, for it will surely resurrect and potentially show itself with unforeseen ugliness if we do. The past is organic and sometimes we must let it rot as with all things organic.

The advancing and enlightening energy flowing in and around my existence as of late is staggering. What’s more is that even though logically the only way to go from here should be down, it seems I can only go up. Ascension is imminent. And on this path of newness, stimulation and gratification are in high abundance and plentiful as ever. Never before have I felt so in tune with myself and with my worlds, both externally and internally. And never again will I look at these worlds through these eyes in the same manner for the rest of my years on this big ball of water and dirt.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Is this a dream?

Now THIS is some bullshit. Governor Paterson & all who represent you, I hate you all.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Just received this pic via email. What a headtrip.
RIP James. You are always remembered.